I must confess that this morning, I started out getting tasks done for the day rather than going to His Word. Sometimes I need a bit of reminder of that being the wrong order (for myself), especially when I am feeling like I have a lot to do. I was posting pictures of things happening around here onto FBF’s Facebook page and wanted to attach a verse. The first set of pages I opened to spoke about sin and backsliding…hmmm, what could that be about? Maybe not starting my day with Him, as one of many potentials. It is so easy to say “I don’t have time to be in my Bible; He’ll understand that!” While He does understand my temptation (He’s God), I think He clearly wanted me to trust Him that our time together is as valuable as any of those tasks. Hence, starting my morning with Him was a lesson I learned long ago. It might be why the word “backslide” appeared ;o)

Since I did not seeing anything that I liked to attach to the post, I opened the Word again. This time to Ecclesiastes 7 and my heart was moved by what I read. Again, the verse didn’t quite work with the story I was sharing, but I knew it was something I was meant to share…with some of you. I decided to post this here in hopes that someday, if not already, it might be useful to you.

Several, including myself, are entering into the holidays with something that wasn’t present for most of our lives: the heaviness of grief. For each of those that I know, it stems from the loss of a loved one. For some, it is the first set of holidays with this new vacancy of their loved one.  And the funny thing is, the term “loved one” implies so much that might not be an accurate descriptor. We want to love and sometimes no matter how much we try, it may not be received the way we wanted or have helped in the way we had hoped. That, my friends, can be the result of a multitude of things.

In Ecclesiastes 7, the heading for the chapter is simple, “Wisdom.” I think that is a perfect label for the difficult topic it covers. Let’s plunge a little deeper into it.

“A good name is better than fine perfume, and the day of death better than the day of birth.” Ecc. 7:1

So many times, I hear people celebrate and be incredibly joyful about the birth of a child. And it is a very amazing event to happen in life. But too often, I see and hear of people doing all that they can to avoid the day of death in another as well as in themselves. In my journey, I have been privileged to come alongside people in the end of their days, down to their dying breath. And while it is–at times overwhelming and frightening, I can–without a doubt–call it a privilege. No matter the suffering, to walk another home–quietly–to God’s hands is the closest we can get to seeing heaven’s door open while here on earth. And my friend, how you handle death is a reflection on your integrity and trustworthiness in the eyes of others (“a good name”). As you go through life and begin to experience more of death being near, it might be good to hold this verse close as comfort even in the midst of great pain so that you can accurately value its presence among us.

“It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to a house of fasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart.” Ecc. 7:2

My friends, I was in awe of these verses and how they support leaning into the pain of grief rather than avoiding it. It is surreal to watch people as death approaches a loved one. So many times, the souls act as if death should never have come. They try to keep it at bay through denial, avoidance and clinging to false hopes. But it is the destiny of every man. A house of fasting makes me think of the soul who is trying to withhold something…trying to avoid.

The first definition of “fast” (before you get to the withholding of food) contains this:

6. Characterized by hectic activity;
7. Resistant;
8. Firmly fixed in place; not easily moved; securely attached;
11. Closed and made secure;
13. Firm in adherence, loyal, devoted…

Sometimes we tend to fight off mourning through hectic activities coupled with an attitude of resistance to the gravity of the pain and loss (even if the loss is more about the potential than the actual) we are truly experiencing. Our feet are dug in refusing to move towards or feel what needs to be processed. And somehow, in that struggle to avoid what we fear in mourning, we become closed off to it and mistaken in thinking that we are secure from it. With firm adherence to avoidance, we refuse ourselves the passage of grief. The toll of pain we shut down, believing there is some better road. Only to complicate it more, we become stubbornly loyal and devoted to the living memory of them by refusing the painful truth that they are gone from this life…from the land of the living to the land we are all destined to go.

Accepting that death is the destiny for each can open the door of our hearts to the idea that sorrow is the key to beginning to work and understand and allow the truth to take hold in our minds. Mourning is the healthiest approach we can take, and we, as the living, would be wise to pay close attention to it.

“Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart.” Ecc. 7:3

Man, this one is powerful! We think that smiles and laughter and an upbeat attitude is what makes life better. Frequently, that is not the case nor the truth. Worse yet, it is often a cruel, oppressive mask that weighs on the face and soul as it was never meant to be borne in God’s design of us when we experience loss or death. Go one step deeper into the Scripture to understand that sorrow has a purpose that protects your health and your heart. It is the process by which our pain flows out of us. We think because it hurts, it must be wrong or bad for us. But God couldn’t be any clearer here that we have the wrong notion! “A sad face is good for the heart.” Seriously, pain is often an indicator by which the body is telling us something is wrong. Trapping sorrow inside of ourselves with no way out will lead to health consequences on organs that were not meant to bear that trapped emotional weight. Hence, pain and sorrow are not meant to be so easily disregarded as an unnecessary part of life.

Think of how many people thwart, fight and avoid depression, and the icky way it feels, thinking it is wrong–that something is truly wrong with them–when really there may be some very good reasons to feel sad. Honestly, this can be true of life even without death. Difficult relationships at home, work or with friends can bring an aching and painful awareness to life that begs to be dealt with. And could it be that sadness is not only a part of the process of processing something hard, but also maybe a clue, an alert system, to the gravity of what we have experienced or are experiencing?

“The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.” Ecc. 7:4

Friends, wisdom dictates that we live in the truth. If we use pleasure to divert the pain, to avoid the truth, to shield us from discomfort, we are only fooling ourselves. Lately, I have been thinking on Jonah 2:8–those who cling to worthless fears forfeit the grace that could be theirs. When I traced the etymology of the original word, “idols”, I found it eluded to both fears and passions. Recently, it came to me this way: those who cling to worthless addictions forfeit the grace that could be theirs. Passions can contain a dangerous tipping point where they go from something good to out-of-control and bad–an addiction. They can have this incredible power to keep us focused on only seeking after pleasure rather than dealing with or experiencing the pain.

Understand in trauma situations (no matter the size of the trauma, and losing something important in your life can definitely be a trauma), there is almost always a period of shock. And in that period, as the body and mind reset–often to something new–there is a need to find good again. To experience normalcy. But once that shock begins to wear off, that tool is no longer valuable and lends itself to taking you off the right track of mourning what was lost. It no longer is moving you through what you experienced, but instead is diverting and distracting you from that journey. Please also note that mourning is not limited to death. It can be the loss of a job, the loss of a relationship, the loss of a pet, a divorce, the loss of independence, the loss of something hoped for, a sudden change in health, the loss of years knowing and loving yourself by trying to be something you are not for the sake and happiness of someone or something else, and the list could continue to grow…

Mourning is not easy. This Scripture is clear that it involves sorrow, sadness, and little pleasure. But His instruction also counters it with this–it is best for your soul and best for your overall health. It is where wisdom lies, and where true living exists. Our world doesn’t give much value to the need, the absolute need, for us to grieve, to feel sorrow fully and deeply, to allow pleasure to be elusive during that process. Start a revolution by changing that in yourself. Honor the need for sorrow and sadness in your days as well as happiness and a glad heart. Life was meant to contain both. Once you make headway towards acceptance of this truth, gently shine it into the lives of those around you who are also grappling with grief. For death and loss rarely pass through a life without affecting many…

“It is better to heed a wise man’s rebuke than to listen to the song of fools.” Ecc. 7:5

Fools will tell you that you need to move on. They will say easy words that sugar coat the bitter taste of death, loss and sadness. Some will dismiss it and act as if it can never touch them, as if it should never have touched you. They will tell you that you have the power to control your thoughts and can choose happy. But a truly wise man, you will find grieving the losses of his life effectively and truthfully…

With prayers that this morning’s word is balm to your soul and the way it processes life wherever you may be…

Much love,
Michelle

“For who knows what is good for a man in life, during the few and meaningless days he passes through like a shadow? Who can tell him what will happen under the sun after he is gone?” Ecc. 6:12