The last six summers have been interesting; many of them containing something difficult for us.  And so, it is hard to believe that we are coming, this fall, upon the five years since my dad has passed.  It was six summers ago when we learned that he had esophageal cancer.  A journey that changed our worlds…

It was a warm summer afternoon, shortly after learning the news that they had found a large tumor in my dad’s esophagus, when I found myself anxiously tending my gardens outside, trying ever so hard to not think on what the tumor might mean.  Several of my smoking bushes, along the side of my house, had grown way too tall.  I was reaching up to trim them down when I realized that I really needed to be down on my knees instead.

As I dropped to the ground, tears formed in my eyes, “O please God, don’t take my dad away.  Please…” but no more words would come.  I could see in my mind what I wanted to pray, wanted to say, but for some reason, the words would not come out.  I tried again to eek out a desperate plea but, again, something stopped the words.  Confused and surprised, I returned to the task at hand.

It was hours later in my dining room, again overcome by the urge to pray, that I found myself on my knees for my father.  I knew that I wanted to ask God to heal him, but the response was the same and those words I could not bring forth.  There, in frustration and fear, I understood that maybe I needed to ask God what He wanted me to pray?

Ever so quietly, a thought came to me.  One that changed my whole perspective…

Pray for yourself.

“What?  That’s can’t be right.  My father, he is the one sick with a potential life threatening disease.  What do You mean?  Why would I pray for myself?”

But the thought returned over and over.  And so I began to pray.  Awkwardly and hesitantly, I searched the areas where I thought I could use prayer for myself.  And as I wandered, I found myself praying, “God, help me to the daughter You need me to be.  Not the one I want to be, but the one my parents need me to be.”

“Do not labor for food which perishes, but for food which endures to everlasting life, which the Son of Man will give you, because God the Father has set His seal on Him.”  John 6:26-27

You see, this verse comes right after Jesus told the crowd that they were not seeking Him for the right reasons.  They wanted more of what they needed or wanted rather than wanting more of the One who knew what they needed.  After highlighting their motivations, He laid out on the table that there is a difference in the food that is available to us.  There is the kind that perishes and a kind that endures.

Hmphhh…I had to scratch my head on that.  What food endures to everlasting life?  Is He saying that there is some kind of food that goes with us to the other side?  Clearly, it can’t be material or physical in nature for we know that kind perishes…what could He be speaking of?

So, I decided to look up “food” even though I was pretty sure of what it meant.  I do love how the dictionary can expand our understanding if we are only willing to look!

Food is “any nourishing substance that is eaten, drunk, or otherwise taken into the body to sustain life, provide energy, promote growth…anything serving for consumption or use.”  www.dictionary.com.  It was in the list of synonyms that I started to see a bigger picture: refreshment, support, serving, weight, were some to name a few.

Food is not limited to hamburgers and french fries.  It is not bound to be only that which enters our mouths.  It is any nourishing substance that we take in that helps to keep us alive, moving and growing.  Think on it this way, those without access to sunlight develop a deficiency in Vitamin D.  A condition that can become quite serious and debilitating.  Our bodies take in sunlight and converts it into a vitamin that helps us maintain good bone structure as well as assisting in other important health functions.  The absorption does not occur through our digestive track but through our skin by means of exposure to the sun. Might we also take in nutrients in ways we do not usually consider?

Now, at this juncture, it is important to note that in the definition of “food”, substance was qualified by the descriptor, “nourishing”.  It is not just any type of food that helps us to maintain and grow.  It has to be of the type that actually nourishes us.  Hence, we must understand what nourish truly means.

To “nourish” is to “sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health and growth.”  But interestingly, it can also mean “to cherish, foster or keep alive”; “to strengthen, build up or promote.”

Might that relate back to the crux of what Jesus was pointing out to those seeking Him?

“‘Do not labor for the food which perishes, but for the food which endures to everlasting life…'”

What are we seeking from Him?  Food and provisions that can perish, or something deeper? Are there things that can nourish our souls better than what we traditionally think of? Nourishment that is better for our entire well-being rather than just that which stops the hunger pangs?

After I arose from my knees in prayer, I had to spend some time reflecting on what it meant to pray for myself to be the daughter God needed me to be.   The daughter my father needed.  If God wanted me to pray that, what might I need to do different?  What might be a part of me that was not needed for those days ahead?

And so, it was through a different set of lens that I began to look at myself.  I took off the spectacles that helped me to see myself the way I wanted to be seen:  strong, decisive, accomplished, able, intelligent, and so on.  As I laid those down, God gave me eyes to see what my dad needed.  And yes, while he needed me to be strong, he didn’t need to be strong-armed. While my ability to research and seek out what seemed like the best answer, didn’t mean that I had all the answers nor did that knowledge mean that I should make them.  My ability to lead didn’t mean that my dad wanted to be led.  Those parts of me, while good, needed to take a back seat so that I could be the best daughter he needed me to be.

And there, I began to understand the wisdom behind that prayer.  I understood that while the journey would ask much of me, it was not my journey to be in charge of.  There were decisions he would need to make without the added pressure from the daughter I had always been.  Instead he needed me to be who he needed more than who I wanted to be…

I began to see that the best use my talents was to help, support and comfort him. Sitting in chair while he dozed off from fatigue.  Making a fruit smoothie.  Nodding my head even when I didn’t necessarily agree. Sharing my opinion and stopping after that.  Listening when he wanted to speak but not asking more than he could share.

So many times, we think we have the answer.  We think we understand why something is happening.  We even think sometimes that we know the best way out of a dilemma, but truth be told, most of the times, we don’t.  I realized from that prayer that the way I wanted for him was not the path God intended, and so, all I could do was nourish our relationship for the time he had remaining.

And every time I prayed that prayer, I found God opening my eyes to the idea that I was there to assist, help, support, encourage, commiserate with, calm, shine light, and be by my dad’s side for comfort more than anything else.  It meant learning to let go…in more ways than one.  To hang on when all I wanted to do was flee from the pain and discomfort his suffering caused.  To trust God that He was in control by learning how to best honor him and his choices.

Interestingly, almost everything in this world requires an energy source.  For us, humans, it is food. And in almost all systems, energy has a distinct purpose as it usually benefits other life forms. Could it be that Jesus was pointing out that we aren’t coming to Him for the needs that matter most?

Could it be that was what He was pointing out to me in that prayer?  Yes, healing seemed like the natural answer, but it wasn’t to be.  Hence, the quality of the remainder of my dad’s journey is what became paramount.

From the One who designed all things, He knows best what nourishment we need as well as what nourishes those around us.  What if we came to Him seeking to be nourished emotionally and spiritually?  To learn how to be of nourishment to others?

What if we began to look to Him with our deepest hurts, our troublesome fears, our worrisome anxieties, and our passionate loves as how best to live life without them controlling us?  What if we sought Him out when we see other peoples’ fears, hurts and anxieties controlling them as to how we might better relate to them?

Could we allow Him to teach us how to truly nourish another?

Can we stop seeing Him for only our tangible needs and begin to search Him out for our intangible ones?  Looking past our need for food that perishes, and onto food that will endure into everlasting life?

And so I’ll ask, have you ever pondered what in your life might be producing eternal ramifications…what might be celebrated in heaven as food that endures to everlasting life from your actual life here on earth?

After spending time with seniors in the end of their days, it seems to me like a whirlwind of memories begin to float to the surface of their mind.  Some days, they know exactly who and where they are; other days, they may be a young lad or lass waiting for their parents to pick them up with school.  No matter how fallible the memory may appear, they are remembering…

And what if memories are a part of all of this?  What if the food that nourishes us to everlasting life–the stuff that endures through all trials, tribulations and testing on this earth to pass with us to heaven–are our memories?  The memories we retain and the memories we create in others.

What if we stopped laboring to just live a life with stomachs full, and started to live a good life realizing each moment, each decision, each indifference holds the potential to pass with others (as well as with us) to the other side?  What if we sought with more vigor and commitment to live a holy life understanding that it is where we will have the least regrets as we traverse with our memories to the other side?  What if we let Jesus nourish our souls and not just our stomachs so that the best memories are laid well in this life?

When I finally succumbed to praying that prayer for myself and my father, I began to see my time with him differently.  I began to focus on what was nourishing to his soul as well as mine.  I lived the route imperfectly, but with God’s help, differently than I ever had.  It was less about what I wanted and more about what I could do to aid his journey home-bound.  It was less about the fear of losing him, and more about loving him the best that I could in the time that was remaining.

Nourishment.  Sustaining nourishment.  Freedom from the mandates of the flesh to understand that there is so much more to seek Him about.  Food for the mind and soul as well as for the body.

Something to think about in and with all that we do…

“Then Jesus said to the Jews, who believed in Him, ‘If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed.  And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.”  John 8:32