“You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.”  ~Psalm 18:28

This morning I stepped outside to set down my dog’s food bowl.  As I walked toward the end of our deck, I was amazed at what I saw.  The sun, with its end-of-summer angle, was rising, but was being blocked from direct view by my neighbor’s house.  Standing there, in the morning light, beautiful rays of sunshine cascaded into my yard.  In those rays were millions of tiny sparkling droplets of water floating in the air.  They hung effortlessly in the air movements of a tender breeze, twisting and bending, in a way that was breathtaking.  Something so subtle that without the sunshine, I may have never noticed.

As I watched the water droplets rise and fall, the thought came to me that without that perfect light in that moment, I would never have seen them.  Those brilliant rays were what were illuminating those tiny, little circles dotting the breeze.  As it shined through, what was once not regularly visible now was.

This illumination brought to mind and best describes a moment I had with God about two weeks ago.  An interaction that seemed to be not all that different from the rest of my day until God’s Word shined into my heart and on to my motives and actions.

…

This summer has been quiet for us.  A much needed break from the pace of the last four to five years.  Please don’t misunderstand me.  We’ve been blessed with lots of good things, but have also had our share of heartache and pain.  So as our summer schedule fell into place, a pleasant surprise revealed that there were much less demands on our time than in years past.

This new quiet space opened up opportunities for us to work on things that had long been waiting.  Rooms that needed to be painted.  Closets that needed to be filtered through.  Mostly smaller tasks and yet, they yielded a refreshing sense of peace and order to areas that had long been calling to be tamed.

It was in one of those areas that I decided to set out a new spot on the web for Families Building Faith.  After prayer and a hefty nudge, I decided to create a blog similar to the one here so that people could easily find and learn about what FBF is and does.  In a way, its own space.  So, one late summer afternoon, at the computer, I sat and contemplated what should this space look like?

I wrestled with different themes and their associated costs.  As I kept playing with them, nothing felt quite right.  Before I knew it, we were to dinner time.  So I unplugged and went downstairs to settle into our evening routine.  All through dinner, I found myself a little short and a little stressed.  Everywhere I looked there seemed so many tasks looming as summer was coming to a close, and I could see in my mind’s eye that not all of them would get done.

Afterwards, we sat down to watch some TV together.  While part of me really wanted to watch the new episodes of our favorite shows, there was this nagging task list still in my vision.  Honestly, the organizing part of me really wanted to tackle them.  Physically I could feel the weight of it as I sunk into our couch.

Now I know I am not the only mom out there to become less than what I want to be at times, and so…as the night wore on and the tasks bounced around in my head, I started to get grumpy.  And then, a little snappy.  And as the third round of asking my son to get things done so that we could head upstairs (and I could get back to building that web space), I became mad and began to lecture.

“If you had just done what I asked in the first place!”

And as I grew more frustrated…

“If you don’t want me to talk this way, you should have done what I asked you to do when I asked you to do it!”

The worse part wasn’t really the words (they rang with quite a bit of truth); instead, it was my tone–a voice full of frustration and distaste.  A tone fraught with anger and meanness.  Sharp words designed to motivate and make things happen as well as to convey dissatisfaction.  So, things were accomplished, but sadly, with only the smallest inkling that something wasn’t right with my handling of the situation.

You see, relationships are a funny dance.  We have these moments where things get on our nerves and we lash out, but we and the relationship, much like a rubber band, return quickly to its original shape.  As I reflected the next day, I realized that both Josh and I desired to get past that moment without really addressing it.  I had a little idea that I had hurt his feelings with my tone, but I didn’t seek to redress it.  Neither of us wanted to discuss his mistakes or mine, even though we both ended up seeking each other out to talk.  Just not about the frustration or hurt that had occurred.  In all frankness, we avoided that conversation all the while trying to restore our relationship despite the awkwardness of the lingering hurts.

Honestly, I am not sure you can ever really address wrong that way…avoidance never tends to heal anything.

So we aimlessly chatted and eventually, he went off to bed.  I stayed up for a while longer, but of course, I was no closer to being done with any of those tasks…least of all, that web page.

The next morning, I awoke.  Out the door to walk the dogs I headed.  The sun was rising beautifully in front of me, and the air was perfectly crisp.  It was, by all accounts, a glorious start to the day.  In my head, wanting to honor God, I started to pray.  Usually I try to follow the flow of praising God for being God, confessing my shortcomings and sin, thanking Him for all that He has done and will do, and then moving towards needed supplications for whoever or whatever comes to mind.  As I came upon identifying my sin, I couldn’t think of any…I walked a few more feet and I don’t remember being able to think of a single one. That should have been my first clue, but hurriedly, I moved on…remember I had other things to focus on!

As my brain so often does, my task list eventually came to light, especially the idea of what was the right way to build that web page.  And though I knew it would seem trivial to the world, I wanted it to be “right” by Him.  I have long heard the argument that God isn’t in the small things, but have long since learned and seen that He is indeed present in all things, big and small.  So many times, with both FBF and my own personal life, God has shown Himself faithful in the littlest details that such an argument no longer carries weight for me.  It was there in that knowledge that I wanted to be cautious and prayerful about what was being developed for FBF.  So as I rounded my neighborhood, I left the details of the cost and how in prayer asking God for some insight and confirmation on the best path.

My feet eventually came back to my front door, and once inside, I sat down to spend some time in God’s Word, hoping to learn something new for the day.   It was then that I opened to Mark 7:1-23.  Here’s my condensed version of what I read:

Some of the Pharisees and teachers of the law had come to Jesus and noticed that a few of His disciples had not washed their hands before eating.  It was a Jewish tradition to wash your hands and other items before you ate.  So they asked Jesus, “‘Why don’t Your disciples live according to the tradition of the elders instead of eating their food with “unclean” hands?'” (Mark 7:5).

Much to their surprise, Jesus had a lot to say.  He spoke to them of how they were focusing on their own traditions and rules before men instead of what truly made them unclean before God.  Remember, they were the ones who started the whole “unclean” conversation.  Jesus pointed out that it really isn’t about your outward appearance of religion, but more about the inward status of your heart that makes you clean or unclean.

“‘Listen to Me, everyone, and understand this.  Nothing outside a man can make him “unclean” by going into him.  Rather, it is what comes out of a man that makes him “unclean.”‘” (verses 14-15)

And He goes on:

“‘Don’t you see that nothing that enters a man from the outside can make him “unclean”?  For it doesn’t go into his heart but into his stomach, and then out of his body.'” (verse 18)

“He went on:  ‘What comes out of a man is what make him “unclean.”  For from within, out of men’s hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance, and folly.  All these evils come from inside and make a man “unclean.”‘”  (verses 20-22)

So there I sat wondering exactly how could this Scripture apply to myself?  I mean I had nothing to confess earlier that morning, right?  And yet, I knew He was saying something important.  Trusting that God knows our every thought and prayer, all of a sudden understanding came to me that made me want to shutter.

Here I had spent the better part of morning (and the evening before) worrying about FBF “looking” right.  While washing hands can prevent uncleanliness, Jesus’ point went way deeper…it doesn’t prevent the contamination inside of us that often results from sin and its correlating stress, guilt and pain that we carry as a result of such choices.  I had been so worried about trying to build the best “look” to FBF’s page that I totally missed how I really looked before Him and Josh when I became short, mean, demanding and unmerciful the night before–the results of willingly engaging in sinful behavior.

As I started to contemplate just what He was saying, I found myself quickly justifying my sins with the question:  “Why was I so snappy?”  Yes, I had easily and quickly turned my focus to the “causes” that led me to those sins, or so I thought…

Before I knew it I had written down four different reasons all ready and willing to validate my behavior.  But somehow, that just didn’t seem right.  Thinking on the idea that what makes us “unclean” comes from inside us, I decided to stop in my tracks and turn away from the excuses.  I needed to admit and face that how I treated my son with frustration, sharpness and a mean tone came from within me.  It was a choice I made.  Nothing forced me.  Yes, I could justify it away if I wanted to, but that really was too easy of a road to take.  Jesus was pointing to something more…

My concern and focus that morning on making sure the outside things were “correct” had missed entirely the things that weren’t “right” in God’s eyes that were going on inside of me.  My heart’s status shouldn’t and can’t depend on my external circumstances.  What comes out of me comes from within me; it is the result of what is occurring inside of me.

The Bible note in the NIV seemed to confirm my thoughts:  “Jesus replaced the normal Jewish understanding of defilement with the truth that defilement comes from an impure heart, not the violation of external rules. Fellowship with God is not interrupted by unclean hands or food, but by sin.”  New International Version (NIV) Study Bible, Bible note to Mark 7:21-23.

Pause.  Hmmm…and maybe a little more than just an ouch.

I suddenly felt embarrassed by my lack of humility and unwillingness to see my sin that morning as I walked with God telling Him I couldn’t think of anything.  Really, really…I couldn’t think of anything?  I couldn’t remember the pained look on my son’s face or his hands going to his ears when my voice began to rise.  I couldn’t remember that even though I didn’t want to admit I had not handled myself correctly, I found myself wanting to comfort him and reassure him without apologizing for the verbal hurt I had inflicted.  And all of sudden, I wasn’t so blind anymore. It was all there before me…

Ironically, I found myself telling God how truly sorry I was for the ugliness of my sin that had been shielded and cloaked in parental justifications.  I had gone to bed easily the night before, and with no regret, I walked my entire walk not considering the impact of my choices less than twelve hours before.  Much like the Pharisee, I had willingly concerned myself with appearances that could be seen, and eagerly swept under the carpet the inward issues that I didn’t care to deal with nor desired to learn to control.

So with, pencil in hand and a much more willing heart, I prayed for more wisdom to understand better the lesson and the list that Jesus was laying before me…

“He went on:  What comes out of a man is what makes him ‘unclean.'”  Mark 7:20