“But after he considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream…”  ~Matthew 1:20

My dad passed away on October 14, 2011.  It is hard to believe that the year turned into an event that we weren’t really expecting.  That is the hard part of life, while you can think you are prepared, often we are not.  I am not sure how it will feel to always think of my dad’s passing in the year 2011.

My family is far from perfect.  We definitely have family patterns that have passed down to this generation with our own twist on them.  At times, we lack accountability for our actions, and often take for granted what God has given us in each other.  When I write of what is going on in my life and how it relates to my family, I don’t want you to think we’ve got it together perfectly!  There were many times where my dad could be heard saying, “Just let it go!  What does it matter!!” when the bickering and arguing would begin.  Of course, he didn’t always feel that way with politics…he became very passionate about it the last five years of his life.

All that said, I pray that I am right in thinking that my family’s arguments, bickering and willingness (sometimes!) to look at the less-than-perfect parts of who we are, have taught us how to come back together after things are less than perfect between us.  We’ve had some pretty ugly disagreements…but, in the end, we are family.  I know for a fact that my dad’s illness and his death has helped me to start to reframe what family exactly means to me.  What I want to hold on to, what I am willing to put up with, and what I want to put down.  How I play into what I don’t like and how my actions impact others.  I am finding that family time together (on either side–Mark’s or mine) is not one of those thing I want to reduce…I once heard a story of a prominent Christian couple who got down on their knees every day asking God that their family circle in heaven remain intact and be unbroken in their children, their grandchildren, and their great-grandchildren, their siblings and their children, and with their parents.  As each year passes, I feel more strongly about this…wanting the same thing…a truly complete circle.

And where does a confirmation of that show up?  In a dream.  Not mine, but in someone close to me.  A vision of my dad that was very vivid, motioning that loved one towards a door.  He was smiling and encouraging, conveying that this person will like what they find on the other side.  Interestingly and honestly, as the dream was being told, I felt a touch of jealously.  I hadn’t been anticipating dreaming of my dad, but I had one…one that I never want to have again.  My dad was growing closer to passing away, and my brother had to say good-bye before my dad had passed.  I woke myself up, sobbing.  It was too painful, and later that day, I told God I did not to relive my dad dying or dream about that again (as my brother was present…I didn’t want to dream of him not being there at the end; having to say good-bye and missing that moment as a family)!  Later that week, this loved one told me of their dream, and I found myself a little envious of them seeing my dad happy (and not dying), the warmth, and the love that seemed to be present.

Well, 90 days come and goes…and once again, I am talking with this loved one.  Again, this person has had an incredibly vivid dream of my dad.  In this particular dream, my dad comes out of a door and gives this person a strong hug.  They can talk, and when this person woke up, they could still feel my dad’s hug.  As we talked more about believing and faith, in how hard it is not to see him anymore, I mentioned how incredibly blessed they were (though painful to wake up from) to have had that moment with my dad.  And again, I find myself with slight pangs of envy.  Not wanting their experience, but wanting one of my own.

Of course, I said little about those feelings, but noticed as the week continued on and rolled into the next, that I was wishing for a dream like that.  While I tried hard to live the last two years with no regrets, I found myself longing to have hugged my dad more.  On Saturday, in my den and alone, I finally allowed myself to come to terms with that regret…to own it.  You know, not those quick, see-you-later hugs, but longer ones…ones that conveyed my love more than my need to go.  I found myself thinking of how wonderful it would be to see him again, even if only in a dream.  Afterwards, I still kept those thoughts to myself and continued on with life–you know, those things that gobble up our time.

One day over the weekend, I came across a verse in the Bible with a study note attached to it that said in the Old Testament, dreams were often God’s way of communicating a message.  I knew it was common in the New Testament…Joseph experienced many.  Peter, Paul, and others were spoken to or moved by their dreams.  So I began to think.  My dad clearly seems to be trying to speak to this person for a reason that I can easily see, and for that, I am eternally grateful even if I never see him again in this lifetime.  If God is letting my dad help keep that circle in heaven intact, then may my dad hear my prayers of “Go for it, dad!!  Don’t stop!”  Yet, …there still was a twinge of longing in me…as I looked at it, I felt a little selfish, a little silly…couldn’t I just be happy with this…

Then Monday morning, a letter arrived addressed to me.  Mark handed it to me on his way to work.  I left it there until right before I was headed out the door to make another delivery.  I decided to open it after I saw the penmanship, realizing it was handwritten.  It was this sweet older lady that I rarely see or hear from.  I haven’t “talked” with her in years, other than she receives our newsletter.  What she said stopped me in my tracks:

“Dear Michelle,

I always feel so touched when you write of your dad and thought of you when I read this page.  I was very close to my dad also and my greatest wish was to have a dream of him.  It took 2 years to happen but in the dream he came up to me on a beach in Florida and put his arms around me and gave me the biggest hug ever.  So I’m wishing the same for you when his spirit is ready.  Love, [her name]”

Okay, wow…what?  How did God do that?  There is no way she could have known how I have been longing for a hug, a dream…no one had heard me grappling with this–well, maybe One…she had no way of knowing of this other person’s dreams.  I have been utterly befuddled this week, in a smiling, joyful kind-of-way.  Blown away by this little handwritten note…

Reflecting on it, I wonder if God is telling me that He knows the longing of my heart even when I don’t want to ask for something so big.  I am just amazed and touched by the reminder that He actually knows what I am grappling with, and my friends, what you are struggling with too.  I also wonder if He is reminding me that He is working on that circle of my loved ones who both me and my dad truly want to see in heaven some day.  And I am even moreso humbled by His love, by my dad’s love for us…and how He repeatedly uses us (you and I, and yes, this sweet lady) to send important messages to one another…

…if we are willing to see, to dream, to follow, to hope, to care, to write, to speak the truth even when it’s hard, to forgive, to turn the other cheek, to serve, to drive, to knock on another’s door, to cook, to bake, to wash, to pray, and most importantly, to love…and all too often, to His glory, it falls in the little things that we do.  Thank You God, and you go, dad!  And I’ll trust that we’ll hug each other again in my dreams someday… 🙂